Sephy's New SideKick!
by Takkeshi Niu
Summary: I want to apologise for this. The whole thing. The grammar, the punctuation, and the story itself. In my defence, I would like to point out how EVERYTHING seems brilliant at 3 a.m. (when I wrote this) I sugest that you wait untill that time, then read.
1. Burning Nibelhime, the Wutai social, and...

Sephy's New Sidekick  
By; Takkeshi Niu  
  
Hello my name is Hojo and I want to tell you about my latest experiment hhahahaahahhah some said I went mad when I created Sephiroth but now I shall prove my sanity with a great expirement hahahahahahha this particular expirement pairs my son Sephiroth with a new sidekick now keep in mind for some reason he cannot kill her the girls name Yuffie no im not mad not mad at all daeedeededededeeded hahhahahah!!!!!!!!!  
  
Yuffie: Sephiroth when are we going to go to nibleheim??  
  
Sephiroth: I dont know be quiet you ditzy child!  
  
Yuffie: Ok hey ya wanna hear a song ?   
  
Sephiroth : Are you trying to drive me sane ?!?!?!?!?  
  
Yuffie : Umm bop bop bop uum bob du dop um bop uuh o yeah umm bo......  
  
Sephiroth : ( pulls out the massamune ) Sssshhhhuuuuttttt uppp Nnnnnoooooo!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Yuffie : Oooh pretty sword can i hold it ppppllllleeeeeeaaaasssseeeee???  
  
Sephiroth : No ( they walk on a little further )   
  
Sephiroth: Ah Im tired Yuffie could you carry Jenova for me ( he pulls out the dripping head of Jenova and presents it too Yuffie )   
  
Yuffie : Eeeeewwwwwwww icky na-ah Sephiroth its so blekch and it doesnt match my pants!!  
  
Sephiroth : are you a natural blonde?  
  
Yuffie : of course I wouldnt put any unnatural stuff in my hair I mean some of those conditioners and stuff are made with things that have big science words as names eeeeeeewwwww when I think about that it hurts my head......  
  
Sephiroths attempts to hang himself with his cloak come to an end as they relise that Nibbleheim is just a few miles away.  
  
Yuffie : lets go to the mall first!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth : Yuffie didnt I tell you earlier that I have to slaughter the population of Nibleheim and then well go to the mall.  
  
Yuffie : Ok but I wanna go to the pet store too theres a realy cute puppy!  
  
( They go to Niblehiem and Yuffie is looking at the petstore and sees a puppy )   
  
Yuffie : Aaaahhhhhhhh its sooooo cute Sephiroth I want him ooooohhhhhh he so cute Id love him and take care of him and hed be my very best friend if you get him for me Ill even carry Jenova for you look at him hheeess sosssssssssooooooooooo cccccuuuuuuuuttttttttteeeeeeee I love him!!! Awwww!!!  
  
Sephiroth : ok go to the mall and Ill umm talk to the owner  
  
Yuffie : ok bye sepiroth I luv you ( she kisses him on the cheek ) mmmwwaa  
  
Sephiroth draws his sword but Yuffie is gone before he can strike a few hours later Yuffie returns carrying some shopping bags to find that Nibbleheim is in flames the pets in the pet store have been put to sleep and people are dead all over.  
  
Yuffie : Sephiroth its terrible look the citys burning everyones dead oh the humani... hey did you get me that puppy I wanted ( Sephiroth points to see her puppy impailed on a tree in much the same way as Sephiroth did the midgar zolom ) eeeeeewwwwww o well what about that kitty ( Sephiroth points and yuffie runs over where he pointed to find a dead cat ) Sephiroth this is terrible someone seems to have killed this cat with a huge blade!  
  
Sephiroth sees a survivor of his rampage and has an idea  
  
Sephiroth: Yuffie see that guy without an arm over there? He killed your puppy! Go get him!  
  
Yuffie : but I cant get my weapon dirty look it I just sharpened it!  
  
Sephiroth:Its a weapon you use it to kill and or mame things watch ( he puts his masumune into the guys back and then kicks him and resheathes his sword )  
  
Yuffie: serves him right for killing a poor little kitty cat o sephiroth looky what I bought ( she pulls out a leopard skin coat ) aint it pretty ( sephiroth slaps his hands over his eyes) I think were gonna be good friends!!!  
  
Sephiroth : Hey,...... Yuffie.......... you want to go to the Shinra mansion Im sure they have........ umm....... cute......... things there  
  
Yuffie : Ok! Lets go! ........there aren't any bats or wierd things there though are there??  
  
Sephiroth : Haha what a stupid question ... of course not! ( thinks to himself ) EXCEPT FAILED EXPIREMENTS DEADLY MONSTERS MY MOTHERS BOYFRIEND IMPRISONED IN A COFFIN ETC )  
  
At the thought of coffins Sephiroth has an idea.  
  
Yuffie: Alright, lets go after this Im taking you to the mall you need to buy a new suit so I can take you too the Wutai Formal...... itll be fun!! ( Sephiroth ignores her and walks into the mansion )   
  
_____________________________________________________________  
  
Sephiroth: The first thing we should do is go down to Hojos abandoned laboratory where he left all his failed expirements I....... I mean Koko the clowns funhouse of things that idiot teenage stuck up girls would like.  
  
Yuffie: Lead the way.  
  
Sephiroth : Ok ( walks down the starirs and stops at the door to the crypt )   
  
Yuffie : Why'd we stop here?  
  
Sephiroth : Well this is where...... umm.... Koko the clown left all his hair care products when he moved out..... yeah.......  
  
Yuffie : Oooooooooh oooooh oooooh lets go look!  
  
Sephiroth : ( opens the door ) He left all sorts of good stuff in that big red box there   
  
Yuffie: E-eewww theres like dead stuff on the floor! Ickies!  
  
Sephiroth : Wow looks like koko the clowns buddys have expired..... Hahahaha listen Yuffie I'm getting scared so just open that big red box so we can get all the stuff and leave.  
  
Yuffie : Ok ( she opens the lid to vincents coffin and peers in ) I don't see anything......  
  
Sephiroth : Well stick your entire upper body in there you'll find it.  
  
Yuffie : Ok ( as she does this sephiroth gives her a slight push and slams the lid and sits ontop of it )  
  
Sephiroth : Free!!!! Free!!!!! Aaaahahahhahahahahhahahahahahaha!!!!! ^_^!!!!!!!!!  
  
Yuffie : Seeeeeeeephiroth!!!!!! I must have fallen in can you please help me??  
  
Sephiroth : (attempting to disguise his voice ) Sephiroth got too scared and ran away.  
  
Yuffie : Oh-no, voice, he did? Well I better ...hey! Wait a minute, theres a man in here whats your name mister-man?  
  
Vincent : ........................(translation: Why are you in my coffin?)................ I must sleep to atone for my sins......  
  
Yuffie : Your eyes are sort of puffie when your having your beauty sleep you should put cucumber slices over them it realy works....  
  
Vincent : .........................Are you the one who has been sent to torment me for my sin?  
  
Yuffie : Can we talk about your clothes? Like... ick..... so last year, you know?  
  
Vincent : ..............................................(translation: Ooops...... Well it is kinda hard to follow the latest fashions when you've been geneticaly altered and locked in the basement......)  
  
Yuffie: Oooooh! You're one of those science guys who does expirements huh? Hey how come one shampoo is supposed to make my hair shiney, and one makes it bouncy? Can't you come up with one that does both ??? Oh, yeah well never mind that about your clothes now ....  
  
Vincent : ....................... (translation: I deserve this for I allowed Hojo and doctor Gast to destroy the woman I loved, but now it is not merely memorys that I must face but this girls inane prattling........)  
  
Yuffie : Aaaaaaanyways what you need are some cute jeans, and maybe a green t-shirt, like a nike or something to offset your eyes, and I'll get you a raiders hat, You'll look soooooooo cute and then we can g-  
  
Vincent : .........................!!!!!!! (translation: Shut up, Shut up, Shut up!!!!!! Shut up you moron! Even I don't deserve this!!)  
  
Sephiroth: (falls off the lid of Vincent's coffin)  
  
The lid flys off and Vincent pushes Yuffie out. Vincent comes to stand on the lid of the coffin where it fell on the ground.   
  
Vincent: ............. Here is the problem............. ( He sneers a the welcome mat outside his coffin, and casts fire three on it burning it to nothing .)**thinks** I knew this made my coffin too inviting to visitors.......  
  
Sephiroth : I'm sorry Vincent but but look at her how could I not try to get rid of her.  
  
Vincent : ....................(translation: What? Killing just isn't good enough for you any more?)  
  
Sephiroth : Ive tryed dammit!!! Watch.... (casts super nova exploding Yuffies head and chops her in half, then to Vincent and Sephiroths dismay, she turns to liquid metal and reforms )   
  
Yuffie: Ooowwww, you jerk that was like so not nice!!  
  
Vincent : ....................... ( blows yuffies leg off with his shot gun but it reforms as well )...................... (trys again).................. (and again)...................... (and again).............. (and again).............. I see...................(shoots her once more for good measure, and watches her reform) .................. It's............ hypnotic.................. (shoots again)  
  
Sephiroth: (watches) ................like a lava lamp..............  
  
Vincent: Yeeeeeessshhhhhhhhh.............. I must sleep for my sins.............  
  
Sephiroth : Alright...... Bye-bye Psyco-man....... Come Yuffie I'll...... um....... get you a facial.....  
  
Yuffie : Ooh goody and then we can both get our hair done!! ( they leave in the direction of the library )   
  
Vincent: ........................ (translation: Whatever...)  
  
Takkeshi Niu: (pops up beside him in the coffin) Hi-hi!  
  
Vincent: ..............!? (translation: .........................!?)  
  
Takkeshi: ...........Will you come home with me?  
  
Vincent: (pushes her out of the coffin then closes the lid over himself)  
  
_________________________________________  
  
Sephiroth: Look Yuffie..... books. ( they enter the library )Ok go find something to read and I'm going to learn about how I was created and my ancestors, and go insane.  
  
Yuffie : O my daddy, before he said that I had "to go be kille- tutored by Sephiroth " said I was created in hell. What a joker hu ?  
  
Sephiroth: What ever gave him that idea.... Now read a book or play in those mako radiation tubes or something.  
  
Yuffie : I found one its called "go mad scientist go !" Will you help me read it ( Sephiroth jestures ludely and begins reading a book about himself ) Ok I can read on my own ( She opens the book ) I ah I aaam am a mag mag mad sss ski mad ski eenntit i am a mad ski and tit, Oh! I get it hahahaha! Oh... no I dont ???  
  
Sephiroth : Hey Yuffie why dont we.... umm get our hair done now....... see those eerie green tubes go on in and I'll turn it to the "bimbo " setting.  
  
Yuffie : Hmmm ( steps inside the tube )   
  
Sephiroth : AhahahhahhhahhahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAH Free at last oh well Im going to radiate you anyways ( turns the machine to "deep fry " ) AHAHAHAHAHA NOW YOUR BEING SHOWERED WITH MAKO PARTICLES WHO KNOWS MAYBE IT WILL STIMULATE THE GROWTH OF BRAIN CELLS!  
  
Yuffie : Ohh a shower I love to sing in the shower ( she starts to sing a dumb songand afeter a while the glass breaks )I feel clean and refreshed say Sephiroth next time give me one of those little pink puiffy lather builders k? They are soooo cute!  
  
Sephiroth : .... noo nooo .... nooo ( curls up in a corner )   
  
Yuffie : Hey now that were nice and clean lets go to the Wutai Social, it'll be fun ( grabs Sephiroth and drags him to the mall )   
  
Sephiroth : I hate shopping !!! ( digs in his pocket ) Hey my credit cards are missing !   
  
Yuffie : ( drops a load of shopping bags ) I didnt take them! Anyways we need to get you a suit! You'll look soooooooo ccccyyyyyyyuuuuutttteeeee Hey Im a poet and I didnt even know it.  
  
Sephiroth : ( runs over to a shinra security guard ) hello im the great general sephiroth i went insane and killed an entire town lock me up im so guilt ridden ...  
  
Security guy : Haha kidd nice joke   
  
Sephiroth : No im serious ( grabs random guy and runs him through ) see I stabbed him now arrest me dammit!  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
  
Takkeshi Niu: Guilty!  
  
Bailif: Hey who are you? What are you doing in the judges chair?!  
  
Takkeshi Niu: .........Crud.  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
(1 hour later)  
  
Judge Judy: Guilty!  
  
Takkeshi: I ALREADY SAID THAT!  
  
Sephiroth: WHOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Prosecutor: WHOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
Yuffie: WHOOOOH- ...................... Oh no wait...........(runs away crying)  
  
Sephiroth: WHOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Vincent: .............................(translation: .....I must sleep to atone for my sins.)  
  
Takkeshi: ...................Willl you come home with me?  
  
  
END! 


	2. Posting bail, 'Surgery for Dummies, and ...

\/\/\/People liked it so much I added another chapter!\/\/\/  
  
  
:Hi-hi, there. Hojo again! Hmmm It seems my expirement has been interupted, by Sephiroth's troubles with the law. Looks like I'll have to bail him out. Wheeehehehehehehehhehe**snort**hehehehehhe  
  
  
  
Some where in a huge maximum security prison.....  
  
Sephiroth:**sits in his cell, with his roommates....uhh...le'see... some guy who looks like Mr T...or like Barret, whatever, and.....Mukki!** I'M FREE! FREE I TELL YOU! FREEEEEEEEEE!! **Psycotic laughter**  
  
Mr T wanna B: **under his breath** Crazy punk @$$ foo'...  
  
Mukki: Ai bubby!! **puts his arm around Sephiroth's shoulders**  
  
Sephiroth: Uhh...... **goes to sit on the other bunk with the Mr T/Barret creature which will now be called Mr. Tarret Tallace**  
  
Mr Tarret Tallace: **continues mumbling things that a Mr T/Barret thing would say**  
  
Sephiroth: ...... **moves to sit in the corner of the room**  
  
Sephiroth: ............  
  
Mr Tarret Tallace: ............  
  
Mukki: ............  
  
Takkeshi: **walks up, dressed as a police officer** Excuse me... Mr..... S... Serp... ee... rat?  
  
Sephiroth: SEPHIROTH!  
  
Takkeshi: **grins** ... Whatever, anyways someone posted bail for you, you're free to....  
  
Sephiroth: WHAT?! I thought I killed all those brain-dead insolent mortal fan-girls who would have posted bail for me!  
  
Takkeshi: **opens the cell door** Move it!  
  
Sephiroth: **leaves the cell** grumble grumble grumble... bitch.. **police batton conects with his rear** OW! POLICE BRUTALITY!  
  
Takkeshi: PIPE DOWN! **bashes him again** Tee hee....  
  
_______________________________________________________  
  
In the waiting room of the prison... Sephy' and 'Kesshi walk in. The first thing they see is .... Aerith/is?!?  
  
Sephiroth: You! You dare to post bail for me!! **flies over to Aerithis and runs her through**  
  
Takkeshi: Uh.... she didn't post bail for you... she was visiting criminals and preaching the word of the planet....  
  
Sephiroth: ....Oh well.  
  
Takkeshi: ...... Aaaanyways...... there's the guy who bailed you out... **points across the room**  
  
Hojo: **loudly** Hi! Hi, son! Hi! **flaps his arms around wildly** Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!  
  
Sephiroth: .......... **fumes**  
  
Takkeshi: Well, bye now! **releases Sephiroth, not giving a second thought to the fact that he just killed a second person. (94,823th if you count the fan girls..... I don't)**  
  
Sephiroth: **whacks Hojo upside the head with the Masamune**  
  
Hojo: X_X  
  
_______________________________________________________  
  
Back on the cell block....  
  
Mr Tarret Tallace: Mukki?  
  
Mukki: Bubby?  
  
Mr Tarret Tallace: Mukki!  
  
Mukki: Bubby!  
  
Mr Tarret Tallace, and Mukki: **start making out**  
  
Real Police Officer: Hey where'd Sephiroth go!?  
  
_______________________________________________________  
  
Menwhile in Hojo's lab...... Hojo is lieing on the floor in a pool of his own blood, Yuffie is rambling about stuff that happened at the wutai social, and Sephiroth is reading a book called 'Surgery for Dummies'.  
  
Yuffie: and then he was like 'Psh' an' I was all like 'totaly!' and he was like 'dude!' and I was like...  
  
Sephiroth: How many times do I have to say this?!? BE SILENT YOU DITZY CHILD!  
  
Yuffie: Ignores him and keeps babling**  
  
Sephiroth: **shuders**  
  
Vincent: **busts in to the room** Sephiroth!  
  
Sephiroth: huh?  
  
Vincent: **whines** I can't belive you were gonna torture Hojo and you didn't invite me!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh well... As long as you're here you can help me...**show Vincent the page he's looking at** Whats a... suture?  
  
Vincent: Uh.....**fishes around in his pocket** here just use this **holds out a staple gun**  
  
___________________________________________________________  
  
Four hours later..  
  
Hojo: **wakes up** uhgh? **turns over to find that he is stapled to Yuffie!** GHAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
Yuffie: Hi!  
  
Hojo: GHAAAAAAAAAAH!!  
  
Vincent and Sephiroth: **laugh insanely**  
  
Takkeshi: **still dressed as a police woman, also laughs insanely** Soooo.... Vincent....**puts her arm around his shoulder** will you come home with me?  
  
Vincent: **screams like a girl and runs away**  
  
Takkeshi: ....damn.  
  
Sephiroth: I knew he was gay.....  
  
Takkeshi: **whaps him with police batton, then follows Vincent**  
  
  
  
********AUTHOR'S NOTE********  
I realy don't have anything against Aerith/is, killing her just seems to be a trend among comedy fic writers. 


End file.
